u think?

i think, after all this while.. i'd be fcuking move on? NO, i just dont. the truth disgust me, really!! u can let go of people, u can always let go of ur lover, but u can never let go of ur past. how fcuking annoying is that?
yes, im talking about my fcuking past! this is so pathetic, i wouldnt wanna admit, but I KNOW the first step to move on is to acknowledge it, and use it to my own strength.
ive had people correcting me, ive had people saying ITS IMPOSSIBLE to me, and ive had people saying NO to me, but did it ever hurt me? YES, it sure did. but did it ever break my spirit? at one point, yes, but i knew i was better than that.

BUT this fcuking thing, is the only thing i CANNOT handle. SURE, i look cool about it.. and i dont talk about it.. the truth is, im scared. i was damned sure, if i did, i would have cried like nobody's business. year 2008 marked the dark period in my life, and i thought it was the end to everything. as much as i was a disappointment to my parents, i was MORE disappointed with myself. How could i not be?
i dont know why i was really angry with myself, but i remember feeling so depressed. YES, i was depressed. i didnt eat with anyone for the whole month, and all i did was sleep. i slept through the agonizing pain. no one really knew what was going on behind my bedroom door at that point, including my own parents.

so yeah, i slowly picked up the pieces and told myself, that things will all be good. Of course i WAS FCUKING LYING to myself at that point, but that seems the only possible way out. honestly, lying to urself is far worse than lying to ur parents when u were 10. I felt horrible about myself, and came to a point that i got self-loathe. but, why the hell care? i tried to move on with my life with a lot of anger within me. anger towards myself, parents, and also God (yeah, THAT bad).

just when things started to fall in its right places, as i try to keep myself busy, once in a while the feeling just kicks in and gets the best of me. WHY? A small trigger would just do the trick, just by looking at pictures, talking to them or hearing their stories. YES, i know how pathetic it may sound, but what do u know?

people always say, theres always good things that come behind every situation. YES, and im beginning to see that. I now know that God works in mysterious ways, if i just care enough to look for it around me. all being said and done, i guess i am in my RIGHTFUL place now.. and NO, i havent moved on. im gonna remember the pain, to remind myself that hardwork pays and there is no shortcut to success. ITS FUNNY WHEN ALL THIS WHILE, I SEE THE POSTERS ABOUT THESE TWO THINGS AROUND ME THE WHOLE TIME BUT IT NEVER REALLY OCCURRED TO ME IT WOULD HAVE A HUGE IMPACT IN MY LIFE.

but hey, the other good thing that came out of this whole nightmare is, i lost 10kgs from the depression.. I REALLY SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING! hahaha .. .